Thursday, March 29, 2012

Just a spoonful of maternal guilt

Days like this, I have my doubts about my abilities as a mother. Tonight marks the night for the annual Fine Arts concert here at school. Along with the many students who have sat in my classroom participating in tonight's event, my husband will direct a few of the ensembles as well. Really, in all honesty, I go to these things to support him. I want to do that. I even enjoy doing that.

However, I will undoubtedly be met with the question, "Where's Jude" as I make my way down the aisle to find a seat and sit with face practically glued to program in the hopes that no one will see me and pass judgment.

Of course, that's the curse of the woman with a pseudo-commanding presence. I say "pseudo" because I'm not necessarily afraid to speak my mind, and I do have quite the vibrant personality, especially here at Holmes, but I also have a pretty strong desire to remain unnoticed. Ask any student, though; I'm pretty live. If nothing else, they all remember the day I proclaimed "All of those bitches are lined up to have his baby" during a discussion of an assigned reading about a champion showdog and his breeding capabilities. So my meager efforts to lay low often fail.

So...where is Jude? Jude is with his baby-sitter, Ms. Lily, tonight. She graciously agreed to keep him for me while I attend this concert. In a way, I feel quite badly for leaving him. I miss him. However, this concert allows me two opportunities: a chance to support Jeffrey and all of the hard work he has put into this year along with the possibility of getting caught up on my grading. Lord knows, I need to catch up!

There are some women (maybe even some men) who, if they knew what I was doing tonight, would judge me. Why not just grab the baby and go home for the night? I have actually heard people so arrogantly proclaim,"I just couldn't send my child to a baby-sitter. I don't want anyone else raising him/her." (Give me a break. Using that same logic, I could always say "Well, I choose to work because I don't want my child to grow up and feel its fine to mooch off of someone else while he/she sits at home," so really, we could go tit for tat.)

However, I see the point, but I also believe in being my husband's biggest supporter. Maybe it's part of why he and I have been married nearly eight years yet we still got it. Besides, that's what Jude is going to remember, that his father and I are each other's biggest fans, not that I left him behind for a few hours extra for one night.I do believe mine and Jeffrey's relationship will (and maybe already does) impact our child and provide him stability.

So tonight, when I go pick my baby up, I will bring him home, give him extra kisses, work in an extra story, and hold him for a few more extra minutes before I put him in his crib. Jeffrey will probably do the same.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Jess..just found your blog.. Will read back posts soon. Just want to tell you that you and Jeffrey are great parents and that is what Jude will remember. It is never easy making a decision to be a person as well as a mom and dad. Hope you understand . When all is said and den..God gave you this bundle of joy to love and nurture. To rear him to be the best he can be.. To do that a parent has to have a sense of identity. Wouldn't it be nice if we could "have our cake and eat it too, as the saying goes... Who is to say you aren't.
Love ya girl..