GAD

For as long as I can remember, I have spent most of my waking hours with my mind racing much faster than I can physically process. Sometimes, my body physically shuts down, and I get really tired really easily. As a result, I lack organizational skills and come across as socially awkward to people I don't know well. Sometimes, I think so deeply that I end up vocalizing my thoughts without realizing it. Today, for example, I needed to get away from my computer after reading a rather frustrating email, so my friend/colleague insisted I get off campus for a bit as an escape. As we walked out of the building, he remarked, "What did you say? I couldn't hear you." I realized right then whatever I had on my mind had inadvertently come out of my mouth, so I replied, "Well, I know I wasn't talking to you." Luckily, this particular friend trumps me in the area of social retardation and didn't think my actions too strange, but had this occurred around anyone else, I'd probably be sitting in front of our HR director planning my medical leave of absence for my vacation to Whitfield.

I suffer silently from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, though I am not 100% confident this is what is wrong. Lou Gehrig's Disease, Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis, B12 deficiency, and a whole lot of other conditions I've undergone testing for have (thankfully) been ruled out.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: when doctors just can't come up with anything else but after just five minutes of talking to you, they know in their professional medical opinions "that girl ain't right." Hey, I never was one to be "boxed in."

What's with that name, anyway? "Generalized" Anxiety--it sounds like a purgatory for mental illness. Sure, one can function without becoming a total nuisance to society, but I'll be damned if anyone entrusts him/her to make decisions without the follow up question of, "Now, are you sure?" No, I'm not sure, which also fits the purgatory description. Not only do I not know, but I can guarantee you that I'll run through every possible scenario that could go wrong because I made some sort of  decision faster than you can say, "Smile! It's not all bad!"

I hate this condition, whatever it is, but I've come to accept it as part of my make-up. There are plusses to who I am. I am a highly intelligent (book smarts, not common sense--not even close) and creative person. I can solve problems quickly (because I hate having them and just want to quickly get rid of them). I've yet to meet anyone as intuitive as me. Intuition is both a blessing and a curse--a blessing because the friends I do have are genuine but a curse because I see through a lot of people, some of whom I am supposed to respect.

I've learned my strongest traits bring on the dreaded and supposed anxiety.

As it turns out, though, my intellect and creativity usually can carry me much further than my anxiety can hold me back. About a month ago, I interviewed for another job at another college. I wasn't sure I really wanted the job, but after twelve years at the same place, I wanted to see what else was out there. I left the interview feeling strange and pretty sure based on the questions the interview panel asked me that they already had someone in mind for the position. In the whole thirty minute interview, I hadn't one opportunity to share with them about any of my teaching awards or contributions to the English teaching field. For days, I beat myself up for "blowing it." I should have brought up those things, and if any of those people had looked over my resume, they probably wondered why I did not say a word about any of my accomplishments. The truth is, it never felt natural for me to do so. Those awards and recognitions came to me because I happened to be doing what I loved and what needed to be done. Just as I didn't mean to get noticed, I didn't want to bring it up in that interview unless otherwise asked because I felt it would cheapen my whole reason for teaching. I had hoped this panel would see me for who I was: a woman who wished to continue her calling as a professor. However, I left that campus believing that I did not exercise my full potential.

I found out a week later that my intuition was spot on. That college did have someone in mind for that position all along--me. I got the job. However, after deliberating for a week, I made the decision to turn it down, and my mind has frantically raced ever since.

For anyone else who suffers from this nagging condition, I'm sorry. I wish I had some answers or reassurance to offer besides, "Hey, I have it, too! Let's be besties!" I can always use a friend, and so can anyone like me.